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Thursday, June 8, 2017

Energy movement drawing





When energy is making noises I try to lead myself into the hole inside me.
I know there is no other solution except this but there is so heavy habitual gravity pulling my sweet ankles. It is true that I am quite lucky to have this chance to try again and again in this life. I've disappointed by myself so many times about this constant failing of plunge. I found myself wanting to go back and to behave as before, repeating this process over and over again like a complete fool. I still don't know for sure if there will be arriving point for me...

I can't explain about my process to anyone and lost the reason to explain. I was so convinced before to tell people how to live. I thought I knew so well... I am so happy that I finally realized that I know nothing about life.

I already made this energy drawing once but today it started again. What I like about this drawing is that there is not much thought in. I am using something inside me which until I take out of it, I didn't even know this wants to come out. But when I put the brush on the paper it moved alone and I felt there were something very concret bursting out. It's like the fresh wind blowing in the sea on the storm weather. It still need to be developing more from here, it is just a beginning... As an artist I desire to draw invisible things and I don't want to make up stuff or lie about what I don't know. I am not talking about feeling either. I am talking about invisible but so real through my true vision.

What I know by this point of my life is that when this stormy wind is around me I need to be in the hole. I need to get closer to it as possible as I could. That courage is not coming by chance or character. It's very difficult for me as a superficial freedom lover in this world. But if I want it, there is no other way around... Only empty mind and blind eyes can see that hole. While i am writing this so beautiful orange color sky was shown...

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Infinity life line drawing


















These are my ongoing new drawing on the left. I mean I started yesterday and I have no idea what I will fill inside. I am just follow the lines. What I am thinking while I am drawing this is about infinity souls need to find the different path where is inside us. How we look like has little importance and human is not that great as we wish to be yet. All is about feeding Ego, the illusion in this world at the moment. But to stop all habits and to live as I think is way too difficult for me. Sometimes I wish that I could give up all and go back...  But going back where? To the past? To where love and hatred are circling endlessly? for the comfort...? Because most of us are living like that?

Talking about Marie Le Pen. I watched her discussion yesterday. It was obvious to me that she is someone who blames others a whole time. She got none for the better future of France and the quality of her, gosh... I don't believe she would win either but she has been 2nd candidate in France. This is quite a shock to me. Playing people's anger was working! Is world become worse than ever before? World leading countries shows ego centric ignorant behaviors then is there other leading countries emerging? South Korea has been looked for good examples from North America and Europe to grow up further like many other countries of the world. I hear the sound of crumbling or shrinking inwardly. I think of young generations who will get confused by these wrong adults. Can they dream as our generation once did? We thought that we could change the world for the better but... we didn't. Mentally I felt very weak lately. This drawing has come to me when I thought that I am sitting on the ashes and that time some energy came to me. It says I need to get up. But I don't know if that energy is to stay... Probably this new energy will be on and off to settle somewhere in me.

The right one, whale house drawing has finished with a surfer, I think it's perfect position to be.

When flexible lines get mature they become straight and if my mind is clear, straight line can be much better. However my eyes probably need glasses sooner or later. Why didn't I draw more when I was younger hahaha...



The third day of drawing process.
I stopped during the day because of some emotions took over me while I was drawing this today. I want to go a bit slowly for the details.

Marie Le Pen was in Bretagne today and welcomed by pouring eggs on her head..

When I see politicians I wonder how we got this much wrong and from when... The important people in the world are mostly not at all interesting or respectable ones. Why we are giving the power to these wrong people? Can we fix this?

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

What I am drawing now



Just follow the lines...
Since last year I started to draw many straight lines and they get into my mind often more and more. I want to mix with emotional lines but I found the balance is a bit lost, feeling of too stiff as if this is some kind of architecture drawing. Maybe this is what it should be with my mind state at the moment. This one is a shape of whale in modern building and I started to paint in my drawing. I am curious how these things will turn out from now on. I changed the paper size to the biggest in the store I could buy. What makes me ridiculous is no matter what size the paper is I always draw from head to toe in full. I guess I am not a good compositor. Many years I tried to draw in small papers due to my not settled life style. But then lately again I have a desire to draw bigger... well. I think this feeling came from instagram which I started in Jan this year. Maybe I think of exhibition...

Instagram I do is for the business. There is my desire to be shown to more people so I can support myself for living. I also hired "socialgrow" to help me out for a month after I tried 3 different free services. This service doesn't comment or follow others, they just click to 'likes' to the other artists. Until recently I didn't know how to check what they like for me but lately I learned to check them in regular bases. It makes me horrified sometimes because they gave likes to something I'd never want stuff and other times they were very helpful. I have to admit that the service was really helpful to start and to save my time. But I am thinking to stop the service from tomorrow when contract t is done. Now I am already more than 800 people. That is enough for now and I think it needs more time to settle. I am sure that business is not my strong point at all but I understand that modern artists need to use the tools that gives opportunities to show more at least. I miss oil paintings but in this new place it is impossible to paint... so I will paint in my drawings now.
Heron and boat drawing from the notebook
*Visit my insta @artandspirits

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Design logo drawing art and business

When I look back my recent past in Bissieres I was losing feelings and I see the reason as my experience of 'darkness of human mind'. The darkness of human mind is where I wanted to let it all go and have no desire of anything. The main point by great teachers 'let it all go' got me because I totally agreed that nothing in this world is really really important. I've been stopped from the point of "nothing is really matter." I felt a dragging force which was very comforting. It has no face but has mystic persuasion. I could felt a very quiet gravity which suck me into the oblivious hole. Could the black hole be like this? The way of pulling one's spirit into unknown space... I stayed there some time without knowing much what am I missing though I slowly struggled internally. When I started to change a direction alas, how weak this person is... that's me.

I couldn't do it by myself. I needed to get influenced of new environment. Help comes from up above by its own orbit and its own speed as always. Awareness needs to be always turned on and between emotion and cognition I need to feel both of them clearly and sincerely yet I am still inside to outside randomly zigzag walker in life. I am not sincere enough and therefore I am missing so many beautiful sun rays everyday but at the same time be able to focus on sun rays that I could see...

There are much emotions coming from old habits, because I remember good and bad. More I remember longer story goes on and on. Emotion is wind. The importance of emotion is to experience a deep quality in everything and finally understand what i am or what we are. When I can see duality that is clear then there is only one truth. There is no easy way and nothing is free but love cures everyone and everything. The basic source of energy is love. When we are against of what we are, our struggle never ends. While I was writing this suddenly I realized what I want with my drawings is design. I would like to put my drawings as a design on new products. Like a logo but not really a logo. It will be a logo like design by free hand drawing  for something. Simplicity with details of reality are my way of drawing which is linked to my thought.  I just had this striking swift glimpse through my mind... Even though I am not a business minded person, I know that my drawings need to be in business.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Journey to Black hole

I think somehow I can see a change in my pen drawings since I started my life from new town once again. My lines are the same but there are more straight ones added and they go in a strange shape. I talk as if I didn't intend to do this but what I intended was following lines when they come. So this black hole thing is showing about my comfortable feeling to think of it. I put eye glasses as human's views are limited and infinity sign has non limited eyes. I'm still reluctant to make decorative patterns but they are more than before now; I can see. My understanding of esthetic probably helps it.
The second one (right) is about three houses which represent the material, emotional and spiritual world. Since I go to the sea swimming often, everything is related with the ocean lately.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Movement without time




Between mortal and spirit, between form and energy and between what we can see and what we can't see... I realized that freedom was all about this drawing.




























Life in full freedom what would that be? If man can be free from all and live...  Could it be like cold water in the ocean or fresh wind above the sky? There is no memory and no name. The feeling of out of space or out of breathing? There is only fresh movement flowing but my brain has hard time to concentrate... It is so hot today.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Inner world




Today is one of the hottest days in Summer and I stayed home to draw this until now. But soon I will leave to the sea for short floating.

When I saw this drawing I felt that there is still my lines which probably wouldn't change forever. My hands were quite shaking while I was drawing lines, so lines went a bit messy but it's because I haven't touched a pencil or pen quite some time. This drawing is telling that the inner world is on our hands.

My friend gave me the book of A.Rodin's thoughts upon art before I moved out. Rodin is talking about mystery in art as a kind of religion. People see only what we want to see, so we can't or don't see the whole truth. It makes us suffer in infinite obscurity. I mean that is why I want to see, I want to see entire myself. Krishnamurti said click and change but I just don't think that is for most of people's case.

When inner world is flowering in our own awareness, we understand that life is just a nature. Life and death has no difference...

Thursday, June 9, 2016

New world map

This is about the world map expressed by state of people's mind and their influences. Black dots are people with the clear state of mind and they do not get the influence from blank dots which are people with chaotic state of mind. Black dots are in slow process for expansion compare with other group but these are where we all want to be as a human being.

Blank dots are the people who make divisions in this world with various reasons. Their power and connections expand much faster to create all sort of violence in human mind. People who gets influence by hatred become hatred easily. Those influences were shown as density of lines. Only thing is that they can't penetrate the clear state area. The clear state area is an ability which means fully awakened.

These two states of mind people exist in this world. Where are you?

Monday, February 15, 2016

Rust covered all over the iron


Monk BupJung's teaching moves me deeply lately. "The rust comes from the iron but eventually it swallows the iron." I see my materialism, how it works and where it goes. He is saying 'non possession' but it does not mean that we need nothing instead we do not need unnecessary things. To clear stuff around me is not an easy task at first even though I've been doing this so many times. Each time has been different though. And the most difficult thing is to clear them from my mind. I need to understand profoundly why I don't need so many.

From Maharshi's words I found a boost of understanding. "If desire can be got rid of by satisfying it, there will be no harm in satisfying such a desire. But desires generally are not eradicated by satisfaction. Trying to root them out that way is like trying to quench a fire by pouring inflammable spirits on it. At the same time, the proper remedy is not forcible suppression, since such repression is bound to react sooner or later into a forceful surging up of desires with undesirable consequences. To proper way to get rid of a desire is to find out 'Who gets the desire? What is its source?' When this is found, the desire is rooted out and it will never again emerge or grow."

I've always thought that since I am not a monk and I have very little desire compare to greedy and rich people, I do not have a problem. But finally when greedy of my mind showed up I was able to see myself as rusted iron. I feel ashamed to look at stars. I asked myself today why I need to compare myself to others? What I want is here and what I don't want is there obviously.

Krishnamurti's concerning of 'self image' also claims through my mind all together. Whenever wanting to buy something there has been all along self image behind. "The degree of freedom from unwanted thoughts and the degree of concentration on a single thought are the measures to gauge the process."I don't know how far my freedom is or how closer my mind is... It really do not matter to me. I just keep walking and not looking back. I never keep my diary but this Journal has been too long years! I decided to discontinue most of my internet activities except Etsy Shop. This is what I want: let myself free from the internet world now. Cheers to new discovery of gravitational waves!  À quel point le monde est un miracle incroyable...

Monday, January 25, 2016

Focus on self



When I started this painting last year, I was thinking of depressed person who doesn't see where he really is... The great nature is covered by his own mind and there is mental pressure down on his being. The only thing he feels is a pain. It seems like he is focused with his pain only and nothing else does matter. It's about narrow vision. Still living in la caverna de Planton.

This year I was thinking of this person's pain again about his difficulty to break that emotion. Because even if he noticed the surface glass just in front of himself, there are still deep habitual pattern of behaving and karmic debts to understand.

I often think about the situation when Jeanne d'arc was in prison before she was burned at the age of eighteen. Spirits were giving her everything she needed but I could guess how she could be insecure and scared time to time as a human being. Trust is to earn with inner strength which can only happens when heart understands love.

What I want to express through this painting process is at least to look around where we live and what we have. Why we are so needy... How useless to have ambition and success from self interest. And how hard to see this corruption has all started from inside of me.


Last year I didn't do much work and I wonder if this year can be a bit different. Well as long as I continue there actually is no problem. If I can do it I do it, if I can't do it I don't do it. What else should I expect from myself?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Why spirits?


I started new blog 'Istudy' in my new website of "Art and Sprits". If someone asks me why I am writing about spirits... I actually have no special answer for it. But I think that I have been always interested in 'real solutions' rather than just instant comforts from surfacing world. I saw people around me have many repeated pattern of misery in life. I didn't want to be like them. To break pattern of misery takes deep courage which is related to the spiritual world, inner place. The place we can't see...

If someone asks me why I believe in spirits... I would say how not to? Since I was young I had dreams which showed me future events and people's feather or dead relatives with messages etc.. There are ghost everywhere in this world. Have you ever heard any country who do not know what ghost means? I think it is not a matter of belief, but it is a matter of thinking deeper the question of why and how.

In my understanding, there are three worlds. The first is where human lives and the way of being is expressed as horizontal straight lines here. Basically the world is moving by five sense world. But people who understand more makes a different way. And they open the way to communicate with the second world which is spiritual world. The second world of being is constantly moving without form. Here I made few circle lines since their abilities are much more clear without self. The third world is where all creations come from. The unfathomable energies and cosmic mind... well I left space in the middle because honestly I can't even imagine all that. In this drawing what I wanted to express is the different way of 'focus' of being. And also my wish is that if we understand more we can live better.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Animals are expression of love


Today my one year once a week horse riding has been over. I mostly worked with Paleo and Flambeur for last six months but today my course finished with Fedor. And I think of my first love Quidam time to time. Horse riding was kind of my dream and it came true since I moved in Normandie. (Thanks to cheap tuitions!) The most important thing I've learned is the relationship with them. Many times I realized that I need to pay attention more details about their needs since they can't speak. If I don't listen enough horse and I both will confront troubles. Listening their way of talking which is totally different from human language was important lesson for me. In any case the truth is that I am using them for my pleasure of riding. So I sincerely want to treat them as kind as possible. Same group friends laugh at me because I don't use une cravache (whip?) properly but I allow them to laugh at me. I do use that stick when I think some horses need for moving forward. But my intention is clear like a crystal, it is to give them alert and not to hurt them. I won't be a professional rider and I don't want to be a best rider. I want to ride well and to have good relationship with horses. Animals give humans the opportunity to feel love. Such beautiful and amazing creatures in this world. And Lucie has been the best friendly instructor ever ! She has such a beautiful energy and made me looking up to galop 3 now. My final goal for horse riding is galop 3 because then I can go to the sea with horses. It could be possible next year. (But it is also more likely I will not pursue the horse riding. There is an unclear conflict within me somehow. I need more thinking.) So much appreciation and so many blessings I could feel just to live in the land of this beautiful earth. May bless to people who have a strength to chose love, not hate. They have abilities to keep this beautiful earth. I will start oil paintings next week in the year of monkey. Good bye 2015 ...





Thursday, December 10, 2015

The distance between thoughts and oneself



These drawings are about the distance between thoughts and trueself. The straight line is 'oneself' or 'trueself' and the red lines are thoughts arising and falling.

In first drawing shows that each thoughts go higher, deeper and longer. It means one raises thought and keep going until it finally goes down as natural process. The highest point is the place where one is the most distance from oneself. This is totally confusing mind of human state. The key point is when one thought is died and touch the ground, that is time people can make change. Those times are true blessings. If not one will go on finding more and more in vain.

The second drawing is about  much less distance than the first state of mind. People who can perceive the movement of thoughts and have the ability to come back to the ground from rising process. Their conscience is a shiny armor. Of course there are various different levels here and this is still a difficult stage to maintain own peaceful mind.

The third drawing is the last state that I could draw so far. Thoughts are very near from oneself; meaning hardly get lost by any thoughts. They work together like rhythm of breathing. It is only possible when one understand (not only with theory) the distance or the space between thoughts and oneself.

I just saw as 3 steps but there are many details inside and I think more steps after this can be. I just don't know yet.

Monday, November 2, 2015

The relationship with myself

The round of center on these drawings present 'true-self' and outside round bulk is 'ego'. Whatever one does, its' ego is moving toward self which means that true self and surface living self can't meet up there. One doesn't even notice of true self. It brings total disorder and confusion about life. This is the first drawing. In second drawing one knows there is true self and ego is different thing from oneself. However one is still caught up with old habit of pleasure or grief. The center is still in the process of keep moving. And the third one is knowing self and using awareness of ego for life; it is universal nature. It exists without center in the center. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Energy (Gi) drawing


When I held the brush it wanted to move itself and there is something very strong like a huge rock that wanted to sink into space of paper. That was felt from my mind... it could be my energy or someone's moving through me? I had no idea what I was doing when I started... then after several drawings I wanted to know more about that feeling. In the morning when everything is so quiet, I make brush standing straight up from the paper. Ink drops like a ringing bell and once brush sticks on the paper, it moves with such speed, there is no hesitance or considerable thought. Thought comes later one step behind and it wants to control. I let it participate for subtle few details. I realize then what Ive been longing most importantly from my life was freedom. Freedom from all limitation : barrier, tradition, nation, emotion and words... towards truth.

Repetition is not necessary but series allow me to develop the process with much patience. Because I still live in time until I understand that there is no time. I know that still long way ahead of me to understand and absorb all. Meanwhile I draw various forms which bring me trivial pleasure that will continue... Until when? I don't know. What I love about life is that there are so many things I don't know and this makes me feel so rich and happy! I guess this is one of aspects people don't understand me at all... But if I need to explain why, I would say it's because of space. Imagine you put all stuff in your room and you fill fulfilled, there is not much space there. The space you should enjoy, learn and move freely... 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Mind without pride



I noticed that I lost some poetic or romantic sadness and loneliness stuff which I had known for long time before. Would it be bad as an artist? I don't think so but only thing I get when I am among people is little embarrassing moments. I think I am not so proud of my way of living in front of people. But why should I feel proud of anything? Pride of any sort in my mind needs to be eradicated. This week started with my light sickness and I had this vague feeling of solitude. So today I tried to grab this feeling of aloneness before it goes away. It made me start 4 small new canvas. The thing is my solitude is not a sad one, it is rather very peaceful and considered as a such selfish lucky opportunity. I made this painting as two series. Another one has the same scene with this shown painting but I put a fire mountain in front of this woman. The river is human, mountain is the story of life and when fire burns a mountain with passion, desire and all emotions, river is watching all but it remains untouched. These were in my thought... After two days of sickness, the first thing I wanted to do was oil painting. Je suis dans ma peau quand je peins à l'huile. C'est comme je suis chez moi..

Actually this painting started to manifest in me more and more while I put layers. My understanding of true self and the self in the world. How I look at myself from myself... I will post later again.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Ego and energy drawing


















These are pen drawings about ego states, I was expecting 4 drawings but the final one I couldn't do it... The first one is a self centered ego, it doesn't understand what relationship truly means, therefore his energy is blocked. This state gives a self pity and misery. The second one is an intellectual ego, loves his family and his nation but doesn't understand the equal importance of others, therefore his energy is waisted. This sequence brings destruction, war and hate. The third one is aware of these three egos and their interactions between. This obviously leads to the next but since the resistance is there, the energy is still limited. Most of people have all these three egos on different portions.

And I guess the fourth one is who has a completely different mind, don't have any trace of these three ego state and sees 'ego' as a little nameless flower on earth. Whom these three ego people can't measure or understand... Inspiration wasn't with me yet or simply I am afraid to draw it. I mean, is it possible to imagine the limitless energy ...? The state of "nothing changes outside but everything changes inside".


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Whales and Tigers








Finally for the first time in this year I started new oil paintings. The left side has a depressed person sitting blinded  of beautiful nature around him. I heard more and more about depression, specially older people but also among young people. A self importance (focus) makes us not to see the whole picture. I put tigers because lately tigers are hovering around my mind. Their unique beauty in this world...
This right side painting is about 'attentive to self mind movements' but as always I will see how they will turn out. Yesterday I started with two whales and a person but now I put a ship between them. The swift of our thoughts, feelings and the heaviness... Can I catch that movement of my own thoughts? Without judging or comparing but just to watch the total mind...? It will shake a whole concept of my existence which is a big ship here. I have a desire to be in the right place but my desire has limits and conditioned within time. In a struggling stage to let go of resistance. That is what I see.


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Keep walking


I remember as a little child there were moments that some special beauty penetrated my mind and they were so much discouraged by adults. Much much later I began to realized that those moments give me a true strength and insight, I think that was my only way to communicate with God. I asked why God did not intervene when bad thing happened... There was a period that deep anger was living with me and sadness was my best friend for some period of time. I was thinking if good doesn't bring a reward then I will do whatever I want. On the way I found out that good is not for getting a reward but for my own mind. And I found out no punishment exist in this world. Sequence yes punishment no. Now what I found out is that there is truth and it doesn't belong to one individual. It touches me and tells me 'right'. It all makes sense... now.

I can't be out of center with one glimpse if that's what K means by. I can't, that is my fact. My progress is slow which is in time, yes but I am making sure walking each step without faking it to find out. I know much much less than K but it doesn't confuse me. What K is talking about really helps me to think deeper and as he said meditation takes place in me profoundly. To think without center is not the first time I heard of as Asian background I have. And I always have thought that is a key to be harmonious in life. The fear of losing myself which I still see beside me is much smaller but it doesn't fully go away, I don't think so. Maybe one day I will write here 'yes center is gone' hopefully...

This painting has two herons; I started with dark winged herons which I saw while I was driving but somehow I ended up with white herons. Human sees a center of her own and whole picture is escaping from. Face a sorrow, swim with it and compassion will find you and it leads you into understanding eventually, then sorrow dies. Different energy comes... It shows in everything you see there is 'beauty' and you go deeper the depth of beauty increased.

While I was painting herons they were showing up in my sight several times and today they made me realize that their wings here are not correct. So I need to fix them. Their flying shapes are just helplessly beautiful and quiet. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Truth and reality


This painting has to go few days more until out from my mind and head. When painting is done I move on, so I found out that the process is what I am living on. I don't paint to finish but I paint to read my mind more or less. Recently my inward fire restarted to have a flame with the guide of J.Krishnamurti. And this time I understand much more about what he is talking about and there are much much more to understand. In many ways I totally agree with his existence. Truth has no path which means... It is never static. He might lived as a whole and I have a possibility to live as a whole but the way of being there would never be the same, even though I am learning from him eventually I need to follow my own perception of mind. So no one can tell me what to do or what is the best for me. Perception is the beauty which has much to do with compassion somehow as a human being. But that compassion can not be cultivated. He is the world teacher.

Krishnamurti knows things but this doesn't end there, he was passionate to let others know what he knows. Not because he would want to have benefit from the world at all but because that is the nature of compassion which he has. His main point of speaking to me is about selfless living. Self disappears when we are with intelligence of nature (for him it's a fact and for me I want to find out) and what prevents us to have that is thought. When thought has a center the meaning of life is not a whole because thought is a fragment and not even center (if there is any) of whole. When I don't see whole of myself I can't have order in myself so I need to depend on toys (stuff makes me happy when I am with). What makes me think also is psychological independence... I realized how this is true... I had been expected help from others or God or spirits... 

In this painting the great thought is this powerful snake who gave me a shelter, security, self image and etc.., it poisoned me more than thousand years to make me suffer in ignorance. Yellow cat is a teacher or a right place of thought and heron is my consciousness, true reality.